Dating as a Christian Black Woman

Love is more of action than feelings

Part one of this series I  gave a very brief explanation of how God’s Love is the most important. This part dives more into the love in relationship and struggles of dating as a christian black woman. Love is beyond the emotion between two people. Love is an emotion but I believe it is also a verb. It is an action. The way you express love is through your behaviour and actions towards each other. Yes, we are humans and fallible but really when you love someone it shows in how you treat them. People will always have different ideas of what showing love means and how to do that.

When you love someone or in love with them, your behaviour and action change towards them. You are intentional with most if not everything you do, from the way you communicate to how you express that love to them. As mentioned earlier,  I am a hopeful romantic and when I like someone, the thought of them alone makes me smile and I find myself thinking of a million ways to make them happy. I take time to learn how to communicate with them effectively, I pick up on the things they like or would like to do, I re-read messages when I miss them or replay voice notes when I just want to hear their voice. I go out of my way to do things to please and make them happy even if it can be an inconvenience to me. I do this for people in my life but there is a difference with someone I like.

It can be daunting in the early stages of falling for someone especially when you don’t know if the feeling is mutual and so, you tread carefully. Telling someone you love them or even like them can be scary (well for me) because it can turn out in your favour or against it. Ok let’s say you say something and wonderful you are both feeling the same way, what happens next, does the relationship start or do you both dive a bit deeper to figure out if you want to be together. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you are meant to be together, complicated right?

Challenges of dating as a Christian black woman

 As black people, when it comes to dating there are so many layers and complexities we think about when it comes to love: desirability, religion, careers, life pressures, parents, attractiveness etc. It isn’t easy out here in these streets. Let me use religion as an example, meeting a decent Christian guy is like finding a needle in a haystack. In my opinion, the amount of good, non-weird Christian guys is minute when compared to good Christian women. Another example, when it comes to attractiveness or desirability is that not everyone you desire or are attracted to will feel the same way about you. It would be odd if everyone were attracted to each other. But, if you feel undesirable that can play into your insecurities. I have been there and probably still going through it but we move.

Being the girl I try to hold back on how I love because I feel it can be intense especially for someone who doesn’t see you the same way or understand you yet.  I have always been told to let the guy come forward first and because of past experiences, I am doing this henceforth.  It doesn’t always work the same way for everyone but as for me, I  will be holding back on telling a guy how I feel first if I can help it unless it gets too much and I need clarification. We are not assuming anymore.  However, words are better than assumptions. It saves me a lot of sleepless nights if I know what’s up because that way I can stop analysing what you said and how you said it. It also saves me from over analysing conversations and actions with my girlfriends like we are back in high school trying to figure out if your crush likes you because he looked at you differently today compared to the last 500 times he has looked at you. Sometimes, it is better to ask but then that could mean shooting yourself in the foot because this guy could actually just be like that with everyone and he sees you no differently. You need to stop thinking and move forward. 

Singing Davido Love is sweet o, When money enters, love is sweeter. Truer words have never been spoken lol. I am not a materialistic person but let’s not lie when money is involved in a few things in a relationship, it can make things easier but not necessarily better. Money won’t make a relationship better if you are not happy in it. I want to be pursued intentionally. I should be and feel like a priority. I should feel like a queen. I want to be spoiled and swept off my feet. That’s how I want to be loved.  To me, the simplest and littlest things matter, I don’t need expensive dates, something as simple as cooking for me or going out for a fun activity that tickles my heart. It’s more about the time spent with you than how we spent the time together, it is in the way you talk to me, the words you use, how you express yourself. It isn’t just about gifts as  I care more about the thoughts behind the gift than the gift itself. It is about you being there or letting me know when you won’t be and why. I want to feel safe in your presence, where I can be silent, and it is not awkward because it is not every time I will have words to say or know how to express myself. I tell myself if I can’t be 100% my authentic self around you, then it is not worth it.  I shouldn’t have to hide parts of myself or downplay me so that you can like me. It cannot work. It’s about the person knowing that I sometimes need my alone time and being ok with that. Giving me the freedom to do my own thing and you do yours. Listening to every detail about my day on the days I am chatty, and being proactive when I tell you about problems or issues I may have. Being able to make me smile on days, I feel like I can’t. Creating beautiful memories together, exploring and enjoying each other’s companies. Being able to talk to you about anything and everything. Teach me new things, expand my knowledge and my world. Seeing my flaws and faults but loving me the same, correcting me in love, teaching and showing me how to love you better.  I don’t want to doubt or question your love for me. Is this all too much? Is it impossible? All of this I will also do, I believe in being the love that you seek.

I don’t believe you need to suffer in love. Some people think if you have not suffered with your partner then it is not truly loving, I beg to differ. I have spent the last few years growing as a person, personally and professionally and it is not a huge demand if I require that from my partner. I did not come to this life to suffer with or for anyone. Jesus already died for me. Do not get me wrong I will 100% stand with you through the bad days but I am just saying men need to work on themselves and should not be meeting the woman less than halfway. There will be hard days but that shouldn’t be the majority of the time.  

I always thought love is simple or should be but human beings are overly complicated and multidimensional.  Something that pure wouldn’t be simple and I guess that is why sometimes I find myself giving up on the notion of love because I feel I won’t find it or it won’t find me. I am actually very simple in my thinking and I run from anything that will stress me or take my peace (which I value). Honestly, it is better for me to be alone than to be without peace. A partner should add to your happiness and not take away from it. They shouldn’t make you compromise your moral values or integrity. Love is and should be simple.

I don’t believe there is only one person out there for you, I do think you have a choice on who you end up spending the rest of your life with. Yes, God’s will is the best but God won’t force his will down your throat. Honestly, prayer could help prevent heartache. Sometimes when we pray we have already made up our minds about it and are only looking for permission. Of course, you will hear yes when really and truly you were not open, to begin with. Let God lead you. It is hard when God says no but when you know the plans he has for you is better than what you can see for yourself, you will calm down. As children of God, you will know the right thing to do because God gave us the wisdom to make choices and if you are struggling turn to prayer and speak to your trusted community.  

When I begin to sense I like someone more than I should, I know it is time to pray, I talk to God about it and watch what happens over time. 99% of the time the feelings die down and I am back to my normal self, sometimes it takes longer but in my head, I know this isn’t it. Also, the behaviour of the person changes and I start to notice things I didn’t see before and I’m like hell no. This just happened recently. It is hard out here in these streets.

How is your dating life? What are you struggling with or how are you enjoying your singlehood? Do you agree or disagree on some of the things I have written? I would love to read what you think

Leave a comment.

Love and Light xx 

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